Where Did My Spark Go?

After learning about the chaotic behaviour of fluctuating estrogen and progesterone during perimenopause, I thought I understood this whole hormone situation.

Then testosterone came along.

Women Have Testosterone Too

What? Seriously? 

Did you know that women have testosterone too? This was probably the first misconception I had to get rid of.

Testosterone is not exclusively a male hormone. Women produce it too, just in smaller amounts.

Source: Instagram | joiedevivrefit

In women, testosterone supports:

• Energy and vitality
• Libido
• Muscle and strength
• Bone health
• Confidence and drive
• Cognitive sharpness
• Skin and hair

Okay wait.

So, estrogen has its hands in almost everything.

Progesterone is involved in calmness and sleep.

And now testosterone is in the picture, deciding whether I still have energy, drive, and motivation.

How many functions are these hormones actually running? 😑

The "I've Lost My Spark" Feeling

Because low testosterone in women can be described less like feeling unwell and more like this vague sense of flatness.

It's not necessarily sadness or depression. Just... "I don't feel like I used to."

Some women describe it as:

"I've lost my spark."

"I feel flat."

"I'm going through the motions."

"I don't recognise myself."

That whole cluster stood out to me because it's such a subtle thing.

There may not be anything dramatically wrong; you're still functioning, going to work, doing what needs to be done, and showing up.

But somewhere along the way, the enthusiasm feels smaller and the drive is less.

The "I can't be bothered" moments become more frequent.

And you may start wondering, "Am I just tired? Lazy? Burnt out? Bored? Getting old? Or is there something else going on too?"

Then There Is the Energy Problem

This one is interesting, because "tired" can mean so many things.

There's sleepy tired, physically exhausted tired, and mentally overloaded tired.

And then there's this other kind of "tired" where you can technically do something but just don't feel like it.

Because the motivation, enthusiasm, and that forward momentum are missing.

Now to be fair, sometimes I genuinely cannot be bothered because the thing is annoying and I have reached that stage in life where I no longer want to waste energy pretending otherwise. 😂

But still.

I find it striking that testosterone is also associated with drive and vitality, because those are not usually the things women are taught to connect with hormones.

Strength Training Is a Big Deal

Declining testosterone has been linked to reduced muscle mass, less physical resilience and shifts in body composition. This is probably the most practical takeaway I got from this topic.

Experts put a lot of emphasis on resistance or strength training and suggest two to three sessions a week as an important part of supporting strength and muscle in midlife.

Strength training seems to be the "prescription" for almost everything related to perimenopause, bone health, muscle mass, and metabolism.

Sigh, I suppose this is one of those moments where I can no longer pretend I didn't get the memo.

Looks like I need to stop avoiding strength training. 😑

Excuses Vs Context

Anyway, learning about hormones isn't about finding an excuse.

It's about understanding that sometimes there is more context behind the question, "Why don't I feel like myself anymore?"

Maybe the better questions are, "What has changed?" and "What can I do?"

Why Don't I Feel As Steady As I Used To?

After learning about estrogen, I thought, okay... at least now I understand a little better why perimenopause can feel so random.

Then there's one more hormone in the picture: progesterone.

Just like estrogen, I associate progesterone with pregnancy or fertility. That's it.

What I didn't realise is that progesterone is closely linked to sleep, anxiety, mood, and that general sense of feeling calm and steady.

And when I learnt that?

Aha. No wonder lah!

Progesterone Is the Underrated Hormone

Estrogen gets a lot of attention when we talk about menopause. And progesterone seems to be the quieter one sitting somewhere at the back.

But I'm beginning to realise this quiet hormone may explain some of the things that bother me the most. Things like:

• Why am I more easily overwhelmed than before?
• Why does anxiety appear when there isn't actually anything specific to be anxious about?
• Why can I be physically tired, but my brain refuses to switch off?
• Why don't I feel as emotionally steady as I used to?

That last one really caught my attention because sometimes it isn't even about being sad, angry or anxious. It's just this feeling of... I used to handle things better.

Let me to explain what that means:

• I begin to realise things that I would previously just let them be; now they suddenly irritate me more.
• Stress seems to use up my mental bandwidth way faster than what I'd like to admit.
• Some days I just have less tolerance for nonsense.

Okay, maybe the last one is also age and experience. 😂

But still.

It made me wonder how much of what we describe as "I've changed" could actually be happening alongside hormonal changes too.

Progesterone Apparently Starts Changing Early

Source: Dr. Mary Clair Haver

This was another thing I didn't know.

I always assumed all our hormones basically started declining together as we approached menopause.

Progesterone is produced after ovulation. But as we move through our late 30s and 40s and ovulation becomes less consistent, progesterone production can also become less consistent.

You may still be having periods, not having hot flushes, or not even be thinking about perimenopause. But hormonally, things may already be changing.

Aha. No wonder lah!

This also made me realise why the beginning of perimenopause can be so confusing.

We tend to look out for the stereotypical menopause symptoms. No hot flush? Still menstruating? Then surely everything is normal, right?

Except the changes may have started much earlier and may show up in completely different ways.

Then There Is the Anxiety

This was actually one of my bigger aha moments.

I recently understood that anxiety can worsen when progesterone declines, while fluctuating estrogen can also contribute to it.

My immediate response was basically: AHA. NO WONDER LAH.

So progesterone is fluctuating; estrogen is going up and down like a rollercoaster.

And my nervous system is somewhere in the middle, going, "Good luck everybody!" 😂

Of course, anxiety has many causes, and I'm not going to blame every anxious moment on hormones.

Work, family, traffic, incompetent people are... well, incompetent people.

But what I find frustrating is the kind of anxiety that sometimes seems to come from nowhere.

Nothing particularly terrible has happened >> You're not consciously worried about anything >> Yet somehow your body feels unsettled >> Your mind is restless >> You're more easily triggered >> And you can't quite explain why

You feel me?

And Then There Is Sleep...

...or the lack of it.

I have recently also been learning about the relationship between progesterone and sleep, particularly that progesterone has calming effects in the brain and is associated with restorative sleep.

Which brings me to another question: How can you be tired and STILL not want to fall sleep easily?

I can be physically exhausted and I know I should sleep.

But somehow my brain thinks 11pm is an excellent time to play brain games. One round, then another round, then another, and one hour passed.

Earlier I joked that perhaps I'm addicted to dopamine.

Maybe not literally, but I have definitely trained my brain to expect entertainment right until bedtime instead of winding down.

So now I'm experimenting. No brain games for about an hour before sleeping.

Brain, please understand that office hours are over. 😭

Having More Context Is Important

When you're more anxious, sleeping badly, easily overwhelmed and not feeling as emotionally steady as before, it is very easy to turn everything inward.

Why am I like this nowadays? Why can't I handle stress like I used to? Why am I so easily irritated? Am I just becoming grumpier as I get older?

To be fair, yes, hormones may not be the explanation for everything.

But for me, learning about perimenopause isn't really about finding a hormone to blame or pigeonholing symptoms. It's about having more context. Because once you understand that something may be changing inside your body, you stop interpreting every change as some kind of personal failing.

The thought then changes from, "What is wrong with me?" TO

"Ahhh... so THAT might be what's going on."

And there it is again.

Aha. No wonder lah!

Next experiment: convincing my brain that bedtime is for sleeping, not achieving a new high score. 😑

I Thought Estrogen Was Just A Reproductive Hormone

Previously, if someone asked me what estrogen does, I would answer like this: estrogen is a female hormone involved in menstruation, reproduction, and finally menopause.

But recently I started learning about perimenopause, and lo and behold! I just got to know that estrogen has receptors in almost every tissue in the female body and influences hundreds of different functions.

Guess what my immediate reaction is?

Aha. No wonder lah!

Did You Know that Estrogen Is Involved in Almost Everything?

The estrogen receptors are found in the brain, heart, bones, skin, gut, bladder, joints, and blood vessels. Gosh! I now understand why the list of things women experience during perimenopause can seem completely unrelated.

How many of these symptoms do you experience? These are some of the most common ones:

Brain fog, difficulty finding words, sleep problems, anxiety, irritability, joint aches, changes in body composition (belly fat), changes to periods, hot flushes, and night sweats.

When you put it all together, you start thinking, "Wait... are you saying these things can all happen at the same stage of life?"

Take the Menopause Quiz

If you're unsure about what's going on with your body, especially if you don't feel quite right but aren't diagnosed with clinical conditions, try this (peri)menopause quiz/symptom checker from Menopause Asia. It will be insightful.

The Brain Fog

This one caught my attention because it's so annoying. Have you ever experienced the following?

• You are talking halfway through a sentence, and suddenly the word you wanted is just... gone.
• You walk into a room and forget why you went there.
• You read the same paragraph three times and realise that absolutely nothing has registered.
• You know that you know someone's name, but your brain refuses to retrieve it.

And when it starts happening more often, you start to think, "Is there something wrong with me?"

What I didn't realise before is that estrogen also plays a role in brain function, including memory, language, concentration, processing, and mood.

Estrogen supports processes involving acetylcholine, which is important for memory and learning, blood flow to areas of the brain involved in focus and decision-making, synaptic plasticity, and neurotransmitters such as serotonin and dopamine.

So when estrogen fluctuates during perimenopause, that's why some women experience cognitive slowness, difficulty retrieving words, trouble concentrating, or that strange feeling of mental static.

Aha. No wonder lah!

Estrogen Doesn't Just Drop Dramatically During Perimenopause

This was another big aha moment for me. For years, I thought hormones were high when we were younger, then declined as we got older, and finally became very low at menopause. Simple, right?

But... perimenopause doesn't behave quite so politely!

Estrogen does not decline in one nice, smooth line. During perimenopause, estrogen actually fluctuates quite dramatically like a rollercoaster before eventually settling at a lower level after menopause.

Source: LinkedIn

Now this makes the unpredictability of this stage make a little more sense.

• Why do I feel relatively normal one week and quite unlike myself another week?
• Why does something suddenly bother me when it never used to?
• Why can a symptom appear, disappear, and then return?

How Much Have I Been Blaming on "Getting Older"?

This is probably the part that has made me think the most. There are so many little changes that are incredibly easy to dismiss once you reach your 40s. You basically just lump everything into the "getting older lah" bucket.

• Tired more easily? Must be because old already lah.
• Brain fog? I just have too many things to remember lah.
• Stubborn belly fat? Metabolism slows down liao lah.
• Easily triggered, irritable? Stress from work, driving, incompetent people...
• Can't fall asleep fast enough? I play too much phone before sleep lah.

Perhaps sometimes those explanations may absolutely be part of it. But learning more about estrogen has made me a little less willing to automatically throw everything into the "I'm getting older" bucket.

The Biggest Shift for Me

I'm not trying to explain every little thing that happens to me with hormones, and I'm definitely not suggesting that every ache, forgotten word, bad night's sleep or bad mood is only caused by estrogen.

But I'm starting to understand that midlife isn't always as simple as "you're getting older".

The more I learn about perimenopause and estrogen, the more I feel reassured because understanding why something might be happening makes it feel a little less random.

I have a feeling there will be another Aha. No wonder lah! coming very soon. 😅

Turning 13 Requires Two Birthday Meals!

My Eldest Son Turns 13

I am truly resisting the temptation to turn this into one of those deeply reflective posts about how quickly children grow up, how the years have flown by, and how I suddenly have a teenager in the house. Hahaha.

For now, I just want to say... turning 13 requires two birthday meals!

Early Birthday Dinner at Hoshiki Japanese Izakaya

We started celebrating with an early birthday dinner with the family at Hoshiki Japanese Izakaya restaurant at Pearl Shopping Gallery, Old Klang Road.

I quite like the plan of stretching birthdays out over a few days anyway. It takes away the pressure of having to squeeze everything into one supposedly perfect celebration on the exact date.

Dinner can be dinner, cake can be cake, and no one has to rush. And this cake here is a Vanilla Blueberry Cake from Butter Olive Pastry House at BK5A Bandar Kinrara, Puchong.

Actual Birthday Lunch at Torte by Linda

We have eaten at Torte by Linda before, so going back there again for a birthday meal is very much part of the plan. Torte by Linda serves Russian and Eastern European food, which is still not the sort of cuisine we eat very often in KL.

I'm a big fan of celebrating a birthday meal at just somewhere you already know you enjoy and not necessarily somewhere new. See what we ordered from the menu during this birthday lunch.

Of course, there was cake too because regardless of how many birthday meals you have already had, the actual birthday still needs cake, even if it's just one slice.

So now we have a teenager!

Happy 13th Birthday, Luke. ❤️